Oh My Crush!

OMG… I have a crush. He’s been my crush for the past four months actually.

If he was some other crush (like that Math instructor or my Physics major friend), I would come up to him and start flirting. But he’s different.

So my move is… nothing. Just stare at him, watch him when he’s not looking, daydream. Last night I dreamt about him. It wasn’t romantic or anything but despite my mom’s irritating wake-up calls, I still got up from bed with a silly smile on my face.

Yeah, yeah. For all those who know me too well, I’m not the type of person who would wait for a first move. I would make the first move. But not this time. With this crush, I suddenly turned torpe.

All I can do now is listen to him although most of the times I can’t understand half of what he’s saying, laugh at his jokes, wait for his car in the parking lot then run as fast as I could so as not to be seen, periodically scan his friendster profile to see how he’s doing and of course sometimes try to engage in simple conversations even if I already know what we’re talking about.

Hay already complicated life is made more complicated by this unsolicited emotions. I hate myself for crushing on him.

Sana naging suplado nalang siya like that Math teacher. Or super close friend like the Physics major. But no, he’s not supado. He’s a great guy. And I think that’s the reason why I’m so torpe.

Tomorrow I’ll see him again. I won’t try to lure him in a conversation anymore. I’ll just ignore him. Just ignore him. That’s a good start. Ignore him. Ignore him. Ignore him…

Skinny Me

“I am an eater! C’mon. Starving yourself to get thin, no breasts, no hips till we look like little boys. Girlfriends, big or small, fat or thin, worship your body. It’s the only one you’ve got.” – Carla, from the movie 'Connie and Carla'

Yesterday, I started my revised South Beach diet. ‘Revised’ because I made it Filipino friendly, using foods easily available in general grocery shelves. It wasn’t easy. But two days into phase I, my instincts as a nutritionist-dietitian told me I was doing something terribly wrong.

Day 1 was tolerable. I had eggs, sausages, gelatin and a multi-grain ham and cheese sandwich. Actually, even the multi-grain bread was restricted in phase I but after running 3 km on a treadmill, biking 1 km on a stationary bike and 15 minutes on a glider machine, I knew I had to take in the carbs or I’ll be hypoglycemic.



Day 2 was hell. No South Beach friendly food at home. I had to do lots of stuff in the bakery and my glucose levels are running low. No matter how much cheese or vegetable I force down my throat, I know my mood would not improve. There’s only one thing to do.

I saw the first batch of doughnuts on the table. I didn’t wait for someone to get the sugar coating for me. I just reached for the powdered sugar and dipped one in. Boy, it tasted like heaven.

I should’ve listened to Dave, RND. That diet was a joke. And so are the doctors who think they know a thing or two about wellness and nutrition. Because after two days into that diet, I started wondering what that Agaston doctor was thinking when he formulated that diet. So I bid my South Beach diet goodbye and just made a diet for me. The way we NDs do it.

So hello again, refined carbs. I’ll just run like a mad hamster on the treadmill on Thursday.

The Ex Files

6:49 on the car’s cockpit.

If today was Monday, I will be very worried. But it’s Thursday. I don’t expect much traffic along the Alabang-Sucat part of SLEx. But then again, I might be surprised.

Yesterday was Valentine’s Day. My mom asked me if I have plans for the day even though she knew that I plan to stay at home and just veg in front of the tube. If I was in UP I would probably be the Fair. My best friend kept on texting me, making up some plan for me to be able to go to at least one Fair night. I told her to give it up because I will be busy with church and family events towards the end of the week.

I’m still in Calamba, traffic is starting to slow down. I don’t know if that’s a bad thing. I hope not. Can’t afford to be late today. I haven’t finished my schematic diagram yet.

Usually, I tune in to a FM station while on the road. For some reason, I can’t settle on a decent station this morning. While surfing, I stumbled upon a song being sung by one of the worst male voices I heard. It reminded me of my (very) colorful lovelife. That’s what drove me to reach for my laptop and blog away.

I only have two exes. Actually sometimes I count two and a half. The two being Papi, my boyfriend during my first two years in college and Aris, my boyfriend during my thrid year until 2005. The ‘and a half’ was TJ, the boy in between.

But then again there were others. The ‘almosts’, the ‘could’ve beens’, and the ‘oh-my-God-Noah-you-even-considered-him?’ boys.

I can name names, I am seriously considering, actually. But lemme think for a while. In that while, I’m gonna tell a story.

There’s one boy I met during my junior year in high school. He was from another school, a level lower. He was a real bolero over the phone so needless to say; I started thiking that maybe ‘we’ can work. It took me a year to realize that, no, ‘we’ can’t work. You see, a year later, I was accepted at UP Diliman. I was leaving Laguna to study in Quezon City, how cool was that?! But not for him. He wanted me to settle for UPLB. That’s when I realized, if he can’t support me at that time when we are just starting to get to know each other, how much more if I let him into my life? I went to UPD anyway and that’s where I met people like me. People, who think like me, react like me, well basically, people he can’t understand, like me.

It was before the era of text messaging and emails and the only ways to reach me was either through snail mail, getting through my dorm’s very busy trunkline or waiting for me in front of my parents’ house during weekends, if ever I decide to go home.

He wrote quite often, called, too. But I rarely return them. I knew we were in different wavelengths. He has to realize that, too. Eventually, I closed our channels of communication. I already have a boyfriend.

Time passed. Like I predicted, he didn’t make it to UP. He went on with his life. I went on with mine.

A few weeks (or maybe a month) ago, he texted me and asked how I was doing. I told him I recently opened a business and he told me, ‘sayang’.

I asked him why.

He answered because he’s already married and has a kid.

I told him, ‘don’t be.’

He asked me why.

I shook my head, drew a deep breath and typed the words I should have told him many years ago.

‘I don’t think we’ll work out. Magkaiba tayo eh.’

I want to rid him of the thought that if he was single I would still consider him. I stopped considering him since I stepped into college.

I know that he’s trapped in a not-so-happy marriage. I can sense it. But he got himself into it.

Now back to my dilemma. Will I name or will I not?

I’d rather not. Let them live in peace. We had good times, but that ends there.

It’s 7:40 on the car’s cockpit.

I’m approaching C5 tollgate. Traffic’s not that bad. I wonder how Valentine’s Day turned out for my friends. I have yet to hear about it.

***Post written February 15, 2007. Uploaded today.***

Happy Valentines!

Maligayang araw ng mga puso!

Here's my Valentine songlist for the 'special' people in my life...

Para sa crush kong hindi ko maabot at hindi na ako aasang maging sakin.

Para kay Bearer na talagang (hay)... ewan. Matigas din talaga ang ulo mo. Pero hmm.. bahala ka na sa buhay mo. Tatanda ka na nga sigurong binata.

Para kay Richmond na dapat noon pa ako nag-dedicate. Kaso para na ito sa susunod. Lesson learned na yung kay 2 and a half.

Para kay Len na alam kong mabigat ang dala-dalahin ngayon. Okay lang yan, Len. Kaya mo yan.

Para kay KuyaM na sobrang love ko kasi... ganun eh. Ngengelam kayo!

... at para sa mga 'special' people na ala akong maidedicate na kanta ito ang para sa inyo. Bakit? Wala lang. astig yung kanta eh.

Happy Valentines, mga tao. Magmahalan tayong lahat.

P.S. Yung song na para sa lahat. Para rin sa crush ko yun. Peace all.

Twenty-Oh-Six Part II

The first month of the New Year is over… and I still haven’t posted my “promised” post about 2006. Here I am again, attempting to write it. Hopefully, I’ll be able finally decide that this’ll do and post it. Okay, here we go.

2006 can be dubbed as the sequel of 2005 as most of the things that happened in 2005 caused the things that happened in 2006.

I feel out of love, I finally learned to accept that some things aren’t really meant to be. I had a change of career path. I started new hobbies and got interested in things that didn’t really mean anything before. I started mending old friendships and met new friends while still maintaining my relationships with the people I cherish and are thankful for having in my life.

I thank those who walked into my life this year.

Kannika – a kick-ass roommate. The magical cross between a nerd and the coolest person you’ll ever meet. Sa mga panahong kulang nalang gawin nating IV fluid ang kape at ipinalit natin sa kanin ang ice cream as staple food. Nagtaka pa daw ako kung bakit ako tumaba.

Ate Monet, Ate Michelle at Ate Golda – ang mga ate ko sa office. Dahil sa kanila, naalala ko how it feels like to be the ‘bunso’. Hindi na nga lang sa school, sa office na. Ngayon, balik ‘ate’ na ako ulit, at kahit na lagi akong nagpa-power trip, everytime gusto kong maging ‘bunso’ ulit, alam kong andyan lang sila sa PHO.

Sister Brenda and the LCM kids – They say that it is through teaching that we learn. After more than six months with this lot, I know for a fact that it is true. I wasn’t really that enthusiastic on taking the job of being the ‘intergalactic ate’ of these kids but after spending every Saturday afternoon with them, I know that they helped me regain my self-confidence as well as strengthened my faith in the One above. That’s why for as long as they need me, I will always be here for them.

Kuya M – Words aren’t enough to define the friendship we have. Biruin mo, in a matter of days he was able to penetrate into my innermost shell. From being a nameless stranger to a confidante in just a few days ha! Who would’ve thought? Alam ko, napaka-misteryoso ng pangalan niya sa post na ito. Pero hindi siya ganun ka-misteryoso. Teka, actually, oo. Hindi siya makwento eh. At parang isa sa mga misyon niya sa buhay ay patulugin ako bago mag-ten pm. It’s a lost cause, Kuya M. Give it up.

And even those who walked out… I choose to just hide them behind codes to protect their personal life.

The Bearer – even if things didn’t go well between us and we didn’t even become friends in the end, you’re still one of the people I am grateful that I met. I still want to be a friend. That’s enough for me, but I won’t ask for it. Nasasa’yo yun kung gusto mong ibigay. You know where to find me.

Sibuyas – Hindi ako naghihinayang at nawala ka. You always make me wait, even if ikaw ang may kailangan. And I don’t wait. You are just a plain jerk.

And of course, those who has always been here, through the years.

Leng – alam kong grabe ang pinagdadaanan mo ngayon. Hello, pinagdaanan ko rin yan dati. Baka nga grabe pa yung akin. Pero gaya noon, you were there beside me nung mga panahong akala ko hindi na ako tatahan. But eventually, I got over it. And life has been better. Ngayon, alam kong masakit. Pero isipin mong, lilipas din yan. Darating din ang araw na masasabi mong, ‘okay na ako’. Pero till then, tandaan mong nandito lang si Ate Noah.

Roro – Maraming beses, gusto kitang ilagay sa sako at ikulong sa likod ng kotse ko. Hehehe. May mga panahong ding parang ‘di mo ako pinapansin. Pero alam mo, sa mga panahong namimiss ka namin ni Len, iniisip ko yung time na kinailangan ko ng masasandalan at ikaw yung nandun. Naalala mo yung pink room? Sinamahan mo ako buong gabi just to be sure na okay talaga ako. At ngayong umaayos na ulit ang mga bagay – sana nga ay magtuloy-tuloy na ito – kahit na konti nalang ang time natin together, alam kong andyan ka lang pag kailangan ka namin ni Len. Gaya ngayon, kailangan niya tayo. Tandaan mo lang na pag dumating ang panahon na kailaganin mo rin ng sasandalan, andito lang kami. Isang text lang ang katapat.

Dan – Hindi ko malaman kung saan kita ika-classify. Kasi sa lahat ng mga kaibigan kong mas nakababata, ikaw yung tipong nasasabihan ko ng mga saloobin mo at ako rin naman ang nasasabihan mo ng mga bagay na alam kong hindi mo rin basta-basta pinagsasabi. I am thankful and honored that you trust me enough to tell all those personal stuff as well as being there when I needed someone to be with me. May it just be buying lunch or waiting for a big event to happen. Isa ka sa mga nagpapatunay na ‘silent waters run deep’.

Rap – Marami kang pinagdaanan last year. But looks like you’re starting to pull through. I don’t know if I have apologized enough sa panggu-good time ko sa’yo last year pero you forgave me nanaman di ba? Hehehe. Nakakalungkot lang na ganitong nabi-busy na tayo sa kanya-kanya nating mga buhay eh halos wala na tayong panahon para magkasama ulit. ‘Di bale, malapit na ang Valentine’s at mukhang ikaw nanaman ata ang ‘date’ ko. Not that I’m complaining, though.

And of course, this year, I look forward to meeting new people, making new friends, particularly with a certain person I met in the last quarter of last year who shall remain nameless.I’m taking it slow, I don’t want him to be another ‘Spike’ or ‘Chris’.

Now, as 2007 opened, I also opened my small bakeshop, which kept me tied in the house for quite sometime. I also intend to do and accomplish many things, both for professional and personal growth. Last year, I promised that it’s going to be “me” year. I will just have to extend it to 2007. After years of putting other people first, it’s time I put me first. I intend to stay fit (hello, gym), eat healthy (I’m a nutritionist!) and be beautiful this year. And if I fall in love that will just be an added bonus I won’t turn down.

Here’s to the rollercoaster ride that was 2006!

Kung Hei Fat Choi everyone.

Candle in the Wind

I hate text messages from relatives in the wee hours of the morning. Don’t get me wrong. Not that I don’t want to hear from them. Let’s just say they’re not really fans of Globe Unlimitxt. When they send text messages at that time of day, it’s definitely not those funny jokes or annoying chain messages. It only means one thing. There’s an emergency.

And an emergency it is.

My ina was brought to the hospital again. She’s been in and out for a couple of times this past month.

Earlier this year, my aunt (who happens to be a doctor) noticed hematomas on her arm and suggested she have her CBC taken. The results were not very good. She was kept in the hospital for blood transfusion. Severe anemia, which can lead to leukemia.

Ina is eighty-four years old, but she’s one cool old lady. She did raise my dad, afterall. Most – no, all – of my cousins are doctors and doctors-to-be. [I was supposed to be a doctor too, but then, life happened. And I found out that I was the one who got the entrepreneur genes from my grandparents. They all went to med school, I plunged into business. But hey, I haven’t ruled out med school yet. But all you guys hoping that I’ll go (kuya, my bestfriend, and a few friends), don’t hold your breath.] Which is why they all have hectic med school schedules and I have the flexibility of a businesswoman’s schedule. I get to spend more time with Ina lately. I am able to visit her in the hospital more often and even stayed with her through the night. [I am a nurse’s nightmare – believe me.]

On one instance, I was with Ina in the hospital early in the morning. Mom went out to buy me breakfast. She sat on the lounge chair while I lay on her bed for a while. She started telling me stories of how she and Ama met. How she used to sell coffee early in the morning when she was younger, a lot younger. [Which really inspired me since my bestfriends and I plan to put up a coffeeshop.] And described her children’s distinct characteristics, she has 6 kids. My dad’s the fourth.

I never really got to spend much time with her until now since I grew up in Laguna and she lives in Bulacan and I only get to see her once in a while. I used to know them as “my relatives I Bulacan”. But since I started college, I came closer since UP is closer to Bulacan. They got to know their morena granddaughter (yeah, they’re all mestiza) more and she became more than ‘my relative from Bulacan’.

One of my new year’s resolutions is to spend more time with her since I have lots of free time. When I received the text message that she’s being brought to the hospital, I regretted my decision of spending last Saturday in a mall rather than visit her.

Now we all wait for the latest development.

If she was ten years younger, I won’t be worrying that much. But she’s old. Her body’s not responding well to treatment anymore. But what scares me most is that if she goes, I don’t think the family will ever be the same. She’s the only one that binds us together. I haven’t declared Calumpit, Bulacan as my domicile. I don’t think I ever would. I’m a Lagunense now, this is my home. But I will sure miss being a Bulakenya. But I will miss her more, and how we used to be.

Sometimes, I would sit in the porch, on my mom’s rocking chair, and thought about how things were better when we were younger, before med school started tearing us apart. Before the NMAT scores came out, before the scholarship offers and admission letters. When Ama and Ina were younger and all we kids think about wereMonopoly and Scrabble. Good times.

I know that Ina will be leaving sooner or later. I think we all do. We just try to delay it, but we know we can’t stop it. I’ll just wait and see what happens to the family. And whether I really inherited the entrepreneur genes or I’m just too chicken to be a doctor.

...and Another One

Ang saya talagang makatanggap ng snail mail. Lalo na pag galing sa ibang bansa. Bihirang bihira na kasi eh.

So you can imagine my delight when I was informed earlier tonight that I received another postcard from Europe. This time from Paris. And yes, it's from Vry again.

Looking at the postcard, I can't help but feel a slight (okay--maybe not that slight) twinge of envy. I always wanted to explore the old world. But oppurtunities are running dry. I have a small window of oppurtunity, though. But we'll just wait and see then.

One of my favorite cities in the world (and really, really want to set foot on) is Paris. Many say that it's the most romantic city in the world. There is so much to see there... the Eiffel Tower, the Louvre, the Rose Line... I will have to work real hard to be able to backpack across Europe in due time. Pero sige na nga, sa ngayon, inggitin mo ko Vry!

I am one sentimental schmuck. For me, it's cool receiving gifts. But it's not what's in the box that matters. It's the thought that that certain someone remembered me. (Contrary to what most people think) So knowing that someone somewhere halfway across the world remembers me every once in a while is a big deal for me.

I can't wait till I see Vry in person again but for now, I don't mind collecting whatever he sends via snail mail. (And it will definitely be welcomed with excitement!)

Here's to Vry and visiting the City of Lights!