Playlist
posted by Unknown @ 11/10/2006 04:07:00 PM
0 comments
Friday, November 10, 2006
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
MYMP Madness (Love Moves in Mysterious Ways)
This morning, I decided to move my not-always-used shoes, most of them strappy high-heeled sandals, from my shoe cabinet to my bigger cabinet, since all of them are in boxes.
And to set the mood in my room, I popped in an MYMP CD (Versions) in my player.
To be able to make room for my shoes I have to move and remove some of my clothes to other drawers. The first drawer I tackled was the small one. The one with the most junk.
As I started digging in the drawer, I couldn't believe how it was able to hold so many junk.
My Sony Cybershot was there, so was a big bag of cottonballs, bra straps, a little tiara, old wallets, old passports, framed photographs from grade school, cellphone headsets, those little kits with toothbrushes and socks from airplanes and a battered white envelope with my name written in twirly letters.
I know who it was from. I know what it was. It's a blue card, given by a past love for our tenth month together. But I have forgotten what was written inside. For months (or almost two years), I avoided opening that envelope everytime I see it in fear of breaking down again. And as fate would will it, that accursed CD Player started playing the intro to one of MYMP's best revivals.
Who'd have thought this is how the pieces fit?
You and I shouldn't even try making sense of it
I can't remember how he gave it to me, or where. All I remember was the feeling of excitement and happiness when he did. It was like, nothing could ever keep us apart. Not his parents, not mine. Nor his religion, and definitely not mine. And though I know that if we want to make things work for us, we have to make sacrifices. And we were both willing to do so.
I forgot how we ever came this far
I believe we had reasons but I don't know what they are
So blame it on my heart
We rarely had fights. We were like two peas in a pod. Most of our interests are the same and we both have the same indespicable humor. Everytime we had an argument, we would just shrug it off and have a good laugh about it. People even think that we don't take each other seriously. Well, maybe during the first few months. But later, I knew that I loved him more than any other boy who stumbled into my life.
Love moves in mysterious ways
It's always so surprising
When love appears over the horizon
I'll love you for the rest of my days
But still it's a mystery
Of how you ever came to me
Which only proves love moves in mysterious ways
I thought we can sustain that "honeymoon" stage for long. But as much as we were alike, we were also very different. Our differences started to clash. From food, to how we want to spend our idle time, even to Thursday nights and Sunday afternoons.
Heaven knows love is just a chance we take
We make plans but then love demands a leap of faith
Since we got together, my Thursday nights have always been lonely. I rarely go out during those nights. Then he would call me at around 8pm and meet me at my house for dinner. Once or twice he asked me to come with him on one of those Thursday nights. I did once. And never again. I told him I wasn't ready to swallow a faith that I cannot believe in. I didn't tell him that I doubt I would ever be ready.
So hold me close, never ever let me go
'Cause even though we think we know which way the river flows
It's not the way love goes
After two years of being together and two almost break-ups, our relationship hit an all-time low. I broke up with him. I told him I cannot go on kidding myself that what we have will ever work. Not when he can't accept me for who I am and what I believe in. But as I walked away from him that night, he ran after me and asked if we can stay together till December. It was May. I couldn't bear looking at him crying like that, because I knew I still loved him, so I said yes.
Like the ticking of the clock
Two hearts beat as one
But I'll never understand
The way it's done...
December extended to our third year anniversary in March 2004, then towards summer, then till the semestral break. I started believing that maybe we are really meant to be. That maybe we can make it until after graduation. We started talking about spending our life together after graduation.
Then he talked to me one night, before February melted towards March.
"I know you want to get married in Claret Church. I know you want red flowers everywhere. I know you want all your friends to be there. I know you want your dad to be there."
I remained silent.
"I can give you red flowers and all your friends will be there, but not in Claret Church, or any of your churches. And if you marry me, your dad won't be there."
I nodded.
"You can't accept my religion, can you?"
I shook my head.
"I think this is the end of our line."
"I think so, too."
He walked away that night and I didn't run after him. I didn't cry. The pain was so great that I wasn't able to breathe for what seemed like eternity.
Now, eternity and a day have passed. Here I am, looking at the card that gave me happiness and excitement once upon a time. And how I fought to make that happiness stay in my life. And how I was able to let it go just like that.
The song ended. A new song started playing. Then another set of memories started flowing in. But that's another story.
And to set the mood in my room, I popped in an MYMP CD (Versions) in my player.
To be able to make room for my shoes I have to move and remove some of my clothes to other drawers. The first drawer I tackled was the small one. The one with the most junk.
As I started digging in the drawer, I couldn't believe how it was able to hold so many junk.
My Sony Cybershot was there, so was a big bag of cottonballs, bra straps, a little tiara, old wallets, old passports, framed photographs from grade school, cellphone headsets, those little kits with toothbrushes and socks from airplanes and a battered white envelope with my name written in twirly letters.
I know who it was from. I know what it was. It's a blue card, given by a past love for our tenth month together. But I have forgotten what was written inside. For months (or almost two years), I avoided opening that envelope everytime I see it in fear of breaking down again. And as fate would will it, that accursed CD Player started playing the intro to one of MYMP's best revivals.
Who'd have thought this is how the pieces fit?
You and I shouldn't even try making sense of it
I can't remember how he gave it to me, or where. All I remember was the feeling of excitement and happiness when he did. It was like, nothing could ever keep us apart. Not his parents, not mine. Nor his religion, and definitely not mine. And though I know that if we want to make things work for us, we have to make sacrifices. And we were both willing to do so.
I forgot how we ever came this far
I believe we had reasons but I don't know what they are
So blame it on my heart
We rarely had fights. We were like two peas in a pod. Most of our interests are the same and we both have the same indespicable humor. Everytime we had an argument, we would just shrug it off and have a good laugh about it. People even think that we don't take each other seriously. Well, maybe during the first few months. But later, I knew that I loved him more than any other boy who stumbled into my life.
Love moves in mysterious ways
It's always so surprising
When love appears over the horizon
I'll love you for the rest of my days
But still it's a mystery
Of how you ever came to me
Which only proves love moves in mysterious ways
I thought we can sustain that "honeymoon" stage for long. But as much as we were alike, we were also very different. Our differences started to clash. From food, to how we want to spend our idle time, even to Thursday nights and Sunday afternoons.
Heaven knows love is just a chance we take
We make plans but then love demands a leap of faith
Since we got together, my Thursday nights have always been lonely. I rarely go out during those nights. Then he would call me at around 8pm and meet me at my house for dinner. Once or twice he asked me to come with him on one of those Thursday nights. I did once. And never again. I told him I wasn't ready to swallow a faith that I cannot believe in. I didn't tell him that I doubt I would ever be ready.
So hold me close, never ever let me go
'Cause even though we think we know which way the river flows
It's not the way love goes
After two years of being together and two almost break-ups, our relationship hit an all-time low. I broke up with him. I told him I cannot go on kidding myself that what we have will ever work. Not when he can't accept me for who I am and what I believe in. But as I walked away from him that night, he ran after me and asked if we can stay together till December. It was May. I couldn't bear looking at him crying like that, because I knew I still loved him, so I said yes.
Like the ticking of the clock
Two hearts beat as one
But I'll never understand
The way it's done...
December extended to our third year anniversary in March 2004, then towards summer, then till the semestral break. I started believing that maybe we are really meant to be. That maybe we can make it until after graduation. We started talking about spending our life together after graduation.
Then he talked to me one night, before February melted towards March.
"I know you want to get married in Claret Church. I know you want red flowers everywhere. I know you want all your friends to be there. I know you want your dad to be there."
I remained silent.
"I can give you red flowers and all your friends will be there, but not in Claret Church, or any of your churches. And if you marry me, your dad won't be there."
I nodded.
"You can't accept my religion, can you?"
I shook my head.
"I think this is the end of our line."
"I think so, too."
He walked away that night and I didn't run after him. I didn't cry. The pain was so great that I wasn't able to breathe for what seemed like eternity.
Now, eternity and a day have passed. Here I am, looking at the card that gave me happiness and excitement once upon a time. And how I fought to make that happiness stay in my life. And how I was able to let it go just like that.
The song ended. A new song started playing. Then another set of memories started flowing in. But that's another story.
posted by Unknown @ 11/07/2006 11:45:00 AM
0 comments
Friday, November 03, 2006
Bring On The Heartache!
Panahon na para maging masokista.
Alam niyo kung papano nagwo-work ang vaccination? Yung ie-expose ka sa virus or bacteria or whatever pathogen na nagdadala ng sakit na yun para gumawa ang katawan mo ng defense system para pag dumating na yung full-blown sakit later, may panglaban ka na, hindi ka na gaanong magkakasakit.
Naisip ko, kung ganun din kaya ang gawin ko sa heartache, darating kaya ang panahon na hindi ko na yun mararamdaman? Magiging manhid na ako? Na kahit na ma-inlove ako, hindi ko mararamdaman yung sakit na kasama nun?
Naawa na ako sa component ko, puro lovesong ng mga taong heartbroken ang tinutugtog niya. Pinapaalala ko sa sarili ko kung gaano kasakit magmahal. Lalo na kung yung taong minahal mo ay hindi ka kayang mahalin, o hindi ka pwedeng mahalin.
Hindi ko nga alam kung anung mas masakit... yung malaman mong kahit na mahal na mahal mo siya, alam mong hindi ka niya kayang mahalin the way you want him to or yung alam mong mahal ka rin niya pero hindi pwede dahil sa maraming mga bagay na nakapaligid sa inyo. Basta kung alin man sa dalawa, one thing's for sure. Masakit.
Sa ngayon, naawa naman ako sa kapatid ko (nanood ng TV sa room ni mama) at sa mga kapitbahay namin. Dahil naka-maximum ang sounds sa kwarto ko. Ni pagtunog ng cellphone ko, hindi ko marinig. Partida, naka level five din ang volume niyan. Pinupurga ko ang tenga ko sa isang kanta ng Orange and Lemons.
Favorite ONL song namin ni Orange Chucks yan eh. Actually favorite naming pareho ang ONL. But no, hindi yan para kay Orange Chucks ha. (OC, hindi ka na nagba-blog. Busy-busyhan?) Ang ONL song na bagay samin ni OC ay Chatter's Tale. Nyahahahaha! (Peace tayo, OC)
Ayan na nga ba ang sinasabi ko, nakikisama ang panahon sa pagiging masokista ko. Bumubuhos na ang ulan. Masarap umiyak pag umuulan. Masarap alalahanin ang mga bagay na nagpaiyak sa'yo. Lalo na pag mag-isa ka lang, at alam mong yung taong gusto mong makasama ay may kasamang iba. O may ibang iniisip.
Ayan na nga, unti-unti nang bumabalik lahat.
Nung panahong nagmahal ka, pero kaibigan lang talaga ang turing niya sa'yo. Yung tipong handa kang sundan siya kung san man siya pumunta pero itinaboy ka lang niya.
Nung panahong nagkamali ka ng desisyon, akala mo, kaya ka niyang hintayin. Pero hindi pala. Paglingon mo, wala na siya.
Nung panahong pinaniwala kang mahal ka niya pero may iba pala siyang gusto sa'yo. At hindi mo kayang ibigay yun.
Nung panahong minahal mo siya nang sobra at handa kang ibigay kahit anung hingin niya pero nalaman mong hindi ka niya kayang ipaglaban. Na sa konting tuksong lumapit mawawala nalang lahat ng pinagsamahan niyo.
Nung panahong binago mo pati sarili mo, tanggapin ka lang niya. But even that was not enough.
At ngayon. Itong panahong ito.
Panahong gusto mo sanang magmahal ulit. At nung nakita mo ang taong gusto mo sanang mahalin. Alam mong hindi pwede. Na kahit sa unang pagtatagpo palang, iba na ang naramdaman mo.
Hindi ako naniniwala sa love at first sight. Pero bakit ganito? Pinilit kong umiwas but somehow my feet led me to him one afternoon. And I've been thinking about him constantly ever since. And I hate it.
I told myself that love shouldn't be in my sphere yet. I have lots of things to do, places to go and explore. But why does it have to come now, and in the least likely of all people?
So now, I remind myself of how I was hurt before, knowing that this new story will just end up in tears, so as not to subject myself to greater pain later, I am slowly feeding myself small doses of pain now. Call it pain immunization.
But then again, from experience, I know that not all vaccinations work.
When I was a toddler, my pediatrician gave me measles shots but when I was five years old, I still had measles. I was hospitalized for days. I almost died.
Alam niyo kung papano nagwo-work ang vaccination? Yung ie-expose ka sa virus or bacteria or whatever pathogen na nagdadala ng sakit na yun para gumawa ang katawan mo ng defense system para pag dumating na yung full-blown sakit later, may panglaban ka na, hindi ka na gaanong magkakasakit.
Naisip ko, kung ganun din kaya ang gawin ko sa heartache, darating kaya ang panahon na hindi ko na yun mararamdaman? Magiging manhid na ako? Na kahit na ma-inlove ako, hindi ko mararamdaman yung sakit na kasama nun?
Naawa na ako sa component ko, puro lovesong ng mga taong heartbroken ang tinutugtog niya. Pinapaalala ko sa sarili ko kung gaano kasakit magmahal. Lalo na kung yung taong minahal mo ay hindi ka kayang mahalin, o hindi ka pwedeng mahalin.
Hindi ko nga alam kung anung mas masakit... yung malaman mong kahit na mahal na mahal mo siya, alam mong hindi ka niya kayang mahalin the way you want him to or yung alam mong mahal ka rin niya pero hindi pwede dahil sa maraming mga bagay na nakapaligid sa inyo. Basta kung alin man sa dalawa, one thing's for sure. Masakit.
Sa ngayon, naawa naman ako sa kapatid ko (nanood ng TV sa room ni mama) at sa mga kapitbahay namin. Dahil naka-maximum ang sounds sa kwarto ko. Ni pagtunog ng cellphone ko, hindi ko marinig. Partida, naka level five din ang volume niyan. Pinupurga ko ang tenga ko sa isang kanta ng Orange and Lemons.
---
"Lihim"
'Di na malilimutan pa
Sa bawat sandaling ako'y iyong hagkan
Ang iyong mga halik
Sana'y wag nang matapos pa
Aking nadarama sa twing kapiling ka
Ako'y nasasabik
Sa'yo lamang ilalaan
Ang isang ligayang walang hanggan
Kahit pa nagsasama tayo
Sa isang kasalanan
Bihag tayo ng panahon
At pagkakataong puno ng pangamba
Ika'y mawalay pa
Sana'y wag nang matapos pa
Aking nadarama sa twing kapiling ka
Ako'y nasasabik
Sa'yo lamang ilalaan
Ang isang ligayang walang hanggan
Kahit pa nagsasalo tayo
Sa isang kasalanan
'Di na mahalaga
Ang sasabihin nila
Basta't may pag-ibig
Sa 'ting dalawa
---
Favorite ONL song namin ni Orange Chucks yan eh. Actually favorite naming pareho ang ONL. But no, hindi yan para kay Orange Chucks ha. (OC, hindi ka na nagba-blog. Busy-busyhan?) Ang ONL song na bagay samin ni OC ay Chatter's Tale. Nyahahahaha! (Peace tayo, OC)
Ayan na nga ba ang sinasabi ko, nakikisama ang panahon sa pagiging masokista ko. Bumubuhos na ang ulan. Masarap umiyak pag umuulan. Masarap alalahanin ang mga bagay na nagpaiyak sa'yo. Lalo na pag mag-isa ka lang, at alam mong yung taong gusto mong makasama ay may kasamang iba. O may ibang iniisip.
Ayan na nga, unti-unti nang bumabalik lahat.
Nung panahong nagmahal ka, pero kaibigan lang talaga ang turing niya sa'yo. Yung tipong handa kang sundan siya kung san man siya pumunta pero itinaboy ka lang niya.
Nung panahong nagkamali ka ng desisyon, akala mo, kaya ka niyang hintayin. Pero hindi pala. Paglingon mo, wala na siya.
Nung panahong pinaniwala kang mahal ka niya pero may iba pala siyang gusto sa'yo. At hindi mo kayang ibigay yun.
Nung panahong minahal mo siya nang sobra at handa kang ibigay kahit anung hingin niya pero nalaman mong hindi ka niya kayang ipaglaban. Na sa konting tuksong lumapit mawawala nalang lahat ng pinagsamahan niyo.
Nung panahong binago mo pati sarili mo, tanggapin ka lang niya. But even that was not enough.
At ngayon. Itong panahong ito.
Panahong gusto mo sanang magmahal ulit. At nung nakita mo ang taong gusto mo sanang mahalin. Alam mong hindi pwede. Na kahit sa unang pagtatagpo palang, iba na ang naramdaman mo.
Hindi ako naniniwala sa love at first sight. Pero bakit ganito? Pinilit kong umiwas but somehow my feet led me to him one afternoon. And I've been thinking about him constantly ever since. And I hate it.
I told myself that love shouldn't be in my sphere yet. I have lots of things to do, places to go and explore. But why does it have to come now, and in the least likely of all people?
So now, I remind myself of how I was hurt before, knowing that this new story will just end up in tears, so as not to subject myself to greater pain later, I am slowly feeding myself small doses of pain now. Call it pain immunization.
But then again, from experience, I know that not all vaccinations work.
When I was a toddler, my pediatrician gave me measles shots but when I was five years old, I still had measles. I was hospitalized for days. I almost died.
posted by Unknown @ 11/03/2006 03:56:00 PM
0 comments
As Long As You're Mine
"As Long As You're Mine" by Fiyero and Elphaba
from the Broadway Musical Wicked
posted by Unknown @ 11/03/2006 03:09:00 PM
1 comments
You've Got Mail
In this age of emails and internet messaging, receiving a handwritten letter is quite a treat. So you can imagine my excitement when my mom called me while I was roasting in an internet cafe and told me that I received a postcard from Eindhoven in the Netherlands.
It was from Vryan, a friend from UP. He used to teach mathematics before he was awarded a scholarship there.
Aside from our regular exhange of text messages, I only have two distinct memories of Vryan and me together before he left for the Netherlands. The first was the day we met formally for the first time.
It was June 2005. My math instructor friends were "promoted" to the second floor faculty rooms and as we were hanging out in their "old" faculty room, Vryan walked in. So there we were, three math geniuses (Vry, Chris and Rich), three math dumbasses (Me, Leng and Rods), a deck of cards and a tube of correction fluid in an almost empty room. After games of tong-its and 1-2-3 pass, we dumbasses have sine and cosine curves on our foreheads as well as math equations we can't even decipher while the geniuses have smileys and flowers and kitchen utensils on their faces. It was like an episode of Beauty and the Geek. It was a shame I didn't have a digital cam then, it was one memory I wanted to freeze in my mind forever.
Since then, Vry and I have been in touch. When I was immersed in rural areas and huge hospitals and when I finally came home to Laguna for my break between college and 'the real world'. Even when my ties were severed from my other math friends, Vry and I kept in touch. Until one day in April this year, we agreed to meet at Starbucks, Katipunan. The one almost across the Blue Eagles Gym.
We were both taking up new passions then. He had tennis lessons while I took up belly dancing lessons and a Culinary course. We talked about people in his side of UP as well as mine. We talked about careers and failed romances. We sat down on that tiny table at around 8 pm and got up at around 11. That was our last 'personal' conversation. Though we have been texting and YM-ing since.
And then a few weeks ago, he texted and told me he will be leaving for Netherlands the next day. I just wished him a safe trip and enjoy his two-year stay there. I told him that if ever I could grab a chance to go backpacking in Europe, I'll drop by his place and he'll show me around. I really wish I could.
If I get to snag a chance to get a Masters degree, possibly in Nutrition or Hospitality Management, I'll be back in the University and when he finishes his stint in the Old World and come back to change college kids' perception and make them believe that math is actually fun (I can't believe I used math and fun in the same sentence without negative words attached into it or hints of sarcasm), then we'll definitely see each other again in two years.
But till then...YM and snail mail would keep us posted with each other's new adventures as adults outside of the home we call UP.
It was from Vryan, a friend from UP. He used to teach mathematics before he was awarded a scholarship there.
Aside from our regular exhange of text messages, I only have two distinct memories of Vryan and me together before he left for the Netherlands. The first was the day we met formally for the first time.
It was June 2005. My math instructor friends were "promoted" to the second floor faculty rooms and as we were hanging out in their "old" faculty room, Vryan walked in. So there we were, three math geniuses (Vry, Chris and Rich), three math dumbasses (Me, Leng and Rods), a deck of cards and a tube of correction fluid in an almost empty room. After games of tong-its and 1-2-3 pass, we dumbasses have sine and cosine curves on our foreheads as well as math equations we can't even decipher while the geniuses have smileys and flowers and kitchen utensils on their faces. It was like an episode of Beauty and the Geek. It was a shame I didn't have a digital cam then, it was one memory I wanted to freeze in my mind forever.
Since then, Vry and I have been in touch. When I was immersed in rural areas and huge hospitals and when I finally came home to Laguna for my break between college and 'the real world'. Even when my ties were severed from my other math friends, Vry and I kept in touch. Until one day in April this year, we agreed to meet at Starbucks, Katipunan. The one almost across the Blue Eagles Gym.
We were both taking up new passions then. He had tennis lessons while I took up belly dancing lessons and a Culinary course. We talked about people in his side of UP as well as mine. We talked about careers and failed romances. We sat down on that tiny table at around 8 pm and got up at around 11. That was our last 'personal' conversation. Though we have been texting and YM-ing since.
And then a few weeks ago, he texted and told me he will be leaving for Netherlands the next day. I just wished him a safe trip and enjoy his two-year stay there. I told him that if ever I could grab a chance to go backpacking in Europe, I'll drop by his place and he'll show me around. I really wish I could.
If I get to snag a chance to get a Masters degree, possibly in Nutrition or Hospitality Management, I'll be back in the University and when he finishes his stint in the Old World and come back to change college kids' perception and make them believe that math is actually fun (I can't believe I used math and fun in the same sentence without negative words attached into it or hints of sarcasm), then we'll definitely see each other again in two years.
But till then...YM and snail mail would keep us posted with each other's new adventures as adults outside of the home we call UP.
posted by Unknown @ 11/03/2006 02:58:00 PM
0 comments
