That Icky Guilty Feeling

I can feel the hormones rushing through my bloodstream. And with the heat and perfect setting, I knew I had to give in to my carnal desire. So I did it.

I drank a mug of ice cold Coke.

It felt good.

I have been abstaining from drinking any form of carbonated drink in the past few months. Either I try to compensate my craving with iced tea for the glucose boost or flavored sparkling water to quench the thirst.

And it didn't stop there. For some reason, my body kept craving for something sweet and salty at the same time. And though I have promised junkfood celebacy, I asked our househelp to buy me a pack of Vcut. A big one. No! Make it two.

So there I was, stuffing my face with 360 calories of barbeque flavored potato chips and a liter of Coke. Not to mention the dangerously-high-risk-of-edema-level of sodium.

A little while later, I felt bloated. The sodium I took in started taking its toll. I am retaining water. So much for practicing the Water-Electrolyte Balance lectures I attended in college. My professor would be ashamed to call me her student.

I groaned as I looked at my reflection in the mirror. There is no stopping this stupid weight gain. I have to have some form of regular physical activity. I need a badminton playmate. As soon as possible. I want to be able to wear my favorite blouses come November. And if my dad sees me this fat, he'll get really upset (Trivia: the vainest person in our family is my Dad, maybe that's why he married my mom).

I hate myself for giving into my sudden salty food cravings. I hate myself for not being able to fit in half of the pants in my closet as well as all the cute blouses I saved up for. I hate myself for letting my body balloon like this. And most of all, I hate myself for not doing anything about it, considering my knowledge in weight management.

I have to do something. Soon.

Isang Madramang Kanta...

Tonight it's been a year
We met each other here
Here I am all alone
As thoughts of you go on

Hear me cryin' out to you
You said, "Never, never would I leave"
Here's a tear from me to you
And maybe it will make you hear me

I loved you
You didn't feel the same
Though we're apart
You're in my heart
Give me one more chance to
Make it real

In a dream you are here
You smile and hold me near
And in my heart I'll pretend
That you are here again

Hear me cryin' out to you
You said, "Never, never would I leave"
Here's a tear from me to you
And maybe it will make you hear me

Give me one more chance to
Make it real

"Make It Real" by U Turn

The Shoe Finally Fits!

I had no plans for that particular Sunday. All I wanted was to laze around the house, watch a movie or two and pester my younger brother all day.

Then after attending the 930 am mass, I was about to treat myself with a pint of my favorite ice cream (selecta's double dutch), my mom told me we're going on a trip to see this lot she intends to buy along along the National Highway. I had no better things to do so instead of buying that thousand-calorie temptation, I hopped in the car and went with her.

I told her since we're already out of the town, we might as well take advantage of it. I told her I wanted to eat at Arabela in Liliw. She obliged. So upland we went.

After a plateful of carbonara, a tall glass of mocha shake galore and my favorite Kesong Puti pizza, my feet took me to a place I've been longing to go to for weeks and my eyes searched for that one item I kept daydreaming about. The Bronze Sandalas.

And guess what? IT WAS STILL THERE.

Despite the crowded shoe store, I pushed myself in, caught attention of the nearest sales person and asked for my size. And what do you know? They have it!

Sans the ruined silver nail polish, my feet looked exquisite in it. Bronze is really one of my best colors.

I quickly grabbed the box, tried it on (which was quite a task as I was wearing my Chucks and it was a really crowded store) and walked around a bit. Wow. Finally.

I handed it again to the sales person to have it wrapped. I walked out of the store with a big smile and very fulfilled.

I know, I know. Ang babaw ko.

But if you were able to read my previous post about those bronze sandals, maybe you'll understand why I feel this way.

I hopped back in the car with my sandals hoping that this is a good sign.

Wake Me Up When September Ends

… it has ended.

As I ushered in October with three cheers, apart from the power finally reinstated in our town and a beautiful sunny day, I walked out of the church with an elated spirit. I have no idea why, but I just did.

Maybe because the end of September marked a year after I slipped into heavy depression. And now, after the grieving and tears and helplessness, I think I have bounced back. And a few months prior, I have discovered a whole new passion, a whole new world, a whole new love.

When September started this year, I kept looking out into space at night, thinking that if things didn’t go the way it did, I would be a happier person, wouldn’t I? Well, there’s no way I can tell if that’s true. But some things are for sure. I learned a few lessons, I got to know new things and I got to accept who I really am.

And you know what, I’m not that jaded anymore.

During the time that I kept myself in seclusion, I learned how to see with my eyes closed and I saw a brighter picture. I learned how to listen to silence, and it was a beautiful song. I learned how to speak without words (no, not sign language) but still got my message across.

So now, I finally woke up.

And it’s a promising morning.

Call Waiting

One sunny Sunday afternoon, just as the power was restored in our town (there was a power interruption that lasted for almost four days because of that accursed typhoon), I sat in my room, alone, listening to my current favorite musical (RENT), my mind started asking questions. Then, without really meaning to, I started talking to no one in particular. I don’t know if I’m talking to myself or to God.

Then let my body fall on my (very untidy) bed and that’s when I started asking God the questions my mind can’t seem to fathom.

Noah: God, why do I keep falling in like with people I can’t have? They’re always in the three untouchable categories.

Silence

Noah: Actually, ngayon ko lang nakumpleto yung three categories. Hindi ko nga alam na makukumpleto ko eh. Akala ko yung taken at gay lang ang pwede kong ma-cross ang line. Pati ba naman yung pangatlo? God, niloloko mo naman ako eh.

Silence

Noah: Kunsabagay, si ***** kundi ko nakilala malamang nasa isang magulong relasyon pa rin ako hanggang ngayon.

Silence

Noah: At saka kungdi dahil sa kanya, malamang hindi ko makikilala sina Rod at Leng.

Silence

Noah: Kahit na nasaktan ako nang sobra, having Rod and Leng in my life is worth it.

Silence

Noah: At saka marami pang ibang mga bagay ang nabago, ‘di ba?

Silence

Noah: Naging close ako sa father’s side ko kahit papano.

Silence

Noah: Kaso naman, God, pano na itong ngayon?

Longer silence

Noah: Ano naman ito? Nasasaktan ako. Masakit.

Silence

Noah: At saka God, pwede bang tulungan mo akong matutong wag nang maging bitter, kasi kahit na lagi akong nakangiti, alam natin dalawang bitter pa rin ako.

Silence

Noah: Ampalaya dapat ang pinangalan sa kin eh.

Silence

Noah: Sorry, naging agnostic ako for a while.

Silence

Noah: Pero masaya naman ako sa ginagawa ko ngayon sa Simbahan.

Silence

Noah: God, may calling ba ako?

Silence

Noah: Kasi pag nasa secular chuva ako, hindi ako masyadong masaya pero pag nasa Simbahan ako, masaya ako.

Silence

Noah: Naka-on naman ang call waiting ko. Kayo po ba yung nagbi-beep?

Silence

Noah: Tumatawag po ba kayo?

Silence

Noah: God, nasasaktan talaga ako. Tulungan mo naman akong mawala ito.

Silence

Noah: God, tawag na ako ng mama. Pakisabi sa kanya masyado siyang maingay.

Silence

Later that day, I was about to go out to look for food, when a pile of CDs caught my eye.

Yes!

That bright light went on in my mind. Another one of Noah’s corny ideas.

I reached for my stack of blank CDs and CDRWs then the pile of albums of my favorite bands and what-have-you.

To my dismay, JL came knocking on my bedroom door. He needs help with his Science chapter test. So help he got.

I am hungry but I am in no mood for food. But I am craving for ChocNut. I want ChocNut.

A little bit later, as I walked down the street, it was as if I was looking at it with different eyes.

Somehow, I knew why.