Wilderness of Sweets by Gilda Cordero-Fernando

This one's for CFS.

It was always pure and lonely in my summit and often in the roofs I wept for all the grand impossible things you wished me to be, which I couldn't...I couldn't.

Someday,I would raise a flock of urchins, married to an uncomplicated man who would love me infinitely, who would make me the queen of his home and his brooms and mops, expecting no alchemy and no miracles.

For even when you told me you liked me, I could feel you sifting my qualities critically, chopping me into little pieces, parsing me like a sentence, reducing me to lowest terms, to the least common denominator of my timorous and unequal self. And try as you might, you could fashion nothing out of the clod of me, my thoughts were cinders, my soul was shallow, it had no brook.

But I loved you, I would say to the first pole star.

I loved you for nothing.

Keep it for a rainy day.

The times have indeed changed. And all my aces are gone. This may not be my last post for you. I'm quite sure that I'll still write about you, for you and because of you.

I won't say anything more. Everything I have to say has been written anyway (follow the links).
I just wish you the best.

My Favorite Mistake
Love

...and a string of posts in my friendster blog.

Not Just The Coffee

It's 630 pm on my laptop's digital clock. The sky's gloomy again. It has been for the past two weeks. The drizzle just stopped but I'm quite sure that it will drizzle again later, if not another downpour.

It's cold, but not cold enough to throw a jacket over my shoulders. I'm here on the porch, watching the dark skies and as if a contagious disease, I felt as gloomy as they looked.

I shouldn't be here.

I suddenly craved for coffee. The aroma, the mixture of flavors of different coffee beans infused with cream and sugar. Closing my eyes, I imagined myself walking into my favorite coffeeshop in Katipunan. The one I spend hours upon hours in. Starbucks.

Clutching my innocent orange striped tote, inside it are my laptop, a note pad, pens, cellphone and my digital camera. I would walk up to the counter and scan the coffee selections. What would it be this time?

I would normally get a safe Mocha Frappucino Venti, decaf plus a shot of peppermint. But with weather like this, I will opt for something steaming hot.

Cafe Mocha with Peppermint would be nice. But that would just be like Mocha Frap, except that it is hot.

Cinnamon Struesel would be nice but it's no longer available.

My favorite Marshmallow Mocha only shows itself during Christmas.

I would let the person behind me order first as I make one final selection.

Ah... yes. I would like that one. Non-fat White Chocolate Mocha Venti. It's one of my favorites and one of my most memorable Starbucks concoction. And I would add cinnamon swirl with it.

It would be my lucky night as my favorite couch near the corner would be vacant. So there, with my laptop and digital cam, I would park myself, waiting for inspiration to strike.

A few moments then it hit. That blessed girl in black shirt and green apron would call my name and hand me my coffee. But that just the start of it.

As I would take my first sip, I would look up and see him walk into that door after shedding his umbrella somewhere. He would go to the counter to get something for himself then choose a table near mine. He would open his laptop the same moment as I would open mine. Then the barista will call his name for his coffee on the counter.

I know his full name but I'd rather call him Thursday.

He's not really my crush but I just love looking at him and watching him work with his mug of coffee.

So he'll be minding his business there, doing stuff in his computer while I'll be in my little corner, writing another mediocre story about my qualms about love and life. I'll glance at him every so often, thinking about what I should write next or how I'll twist the story this time.

Maybe this time, I'll write a love story about two people meeting in a coffeeshop and having a conversation over coffee. But the love story wouldn't be between the two of them, it'll be about them and their coffee.

People think that I only go to Starbucks for the status symbol. I go there for inspiration. And it's not just the coffee. It's the people you see and the aroma you smell. The noise you hear and the taste of freshly brewed coffee on your lips.

A couple of hours later, with my empty cup and pages of a fresh new story, I would get up, gather my things together and walk out. Thursday is now outside, no longer working but laughing with his friends, who arrived half an hour earlier.

The rain has stopped. I would step out of the shop and walk by their table. I would glance at him at the exact moment he would lift his eyes and for a fleeting moment our gazes meet. He would go back to laughig with his friends and I will walk out into the sunshine.

Fat Girl

If ten years ago, you would tell me that I will have a problem fitting into my clothes, I would probably give you a funny look and laugh out loud.

And if you were someone I met in the last five years and I will tell you that I used to have a 33-25-36 body, you'll probably give me a funny look and laugh out loud.

So many things have changed in the past ten years I'm afraid. And one of the most drastic is my weight.

I'm not kidding myself that I'll go back into the body I had then, after all, those were my turbulent puberty years. All I want is to get rid of the fat I wouldn't need for childbearing. That is (are) my central fat, the flabs on my arms and the cellulite on my legs. Other than that, I'm okay.

So with all the knowledge I have in Nutrition and Diet Therapy (I'm a Nutritionist, by the way), I will strip all of those fat with the right diet and tone those muscles with physical activity.

And that will start today.

I am slightly overweight (yes, I am). So I will strip off 500 kcal from my Total Energy Requirement. Okay, it's a bit harsh, but I'm desperate. I want to look and feel good come November. I have four months. That's sixteen weeks. Meaning I have a safe goal of shedding 32 pounds or 15 kgs. It's doable. I can do this.

From my usual food intake of... okay, I don't know. I just eat whatever I want anytime I want. That has to change.

I have a Total Energy Requirement of 1900 kcal. I will subtract 500 kcal (that's equivalent to 2.5 cups of rice) from it giving me only 1400 kcal. I will have three meals and ONLY two HEALTHY snacks. I'm having trouble eating GLV's (green leafy vegetables) so I have to work on that.

That will take care of the extra pounds and whatever extra fat I take in. Then I will cut down on the empty calories. No more Stik-O, no more Ridges -- okay, maybe once a week, no more instant cup noodles, no more Fudgie Bars, no more Coke (or Sprite or Royal). I now live in a real house, with a real kitchen and a refrigerator, I should stop eating (and living) as if I'm in a college dorm.

And for physical activity, as there is no decent gym in the 15 km radius of my house, I promise to do four sets of crutches in the morning, before going to work. And since I have very limited free time in the afternoon, I will try my best to keep up with my badminton with Paolo, two times a week, a weekday and a weekend, as soon as I acquire a replacement for my badminton racket I lost some time ago.

And with that, anybody who reads this must stand as witness to my vow to lose weight and take care of my figure. So may I request that you hit the comment button and make yourself known.

God bless me.

Brown Eyes

I can't remember the exact date. But I'm guessing it's August 27, 2005. A Saturday. I was in my second week of affiliation in the Philippine General Hospital and it was my second Saturday off. But I had to go back to my case study as my patient will be discharged that afternoon. I won't be able to follow-up on him after. So I had to check on him that morning.

The thing is, I also have a date in UP that morning. So I just scanned his medical record, talked to my patient for a while, shed my white uniform and headed off to UP.

Okay, so I was late, as always.

We were supposed to go somewhere but somehow, we decided to go to Glorietta and catch a movie. But before that, we stopped over at McDonald's Quezon Ave to grab lunch.

And that was when I saw it.

The sun was shining merrily through the glass windows and when he arrived with our food, the rays hit his eyes.

It has a light brown shade, even lighter than mine. And for a few moments I just can't take my eyes off it. They were beautiful.

So watched a movie then went our separate ways in the MRT station. He was heading back to UP and I was going back to UP-PGH. That wasn't the end of our little affair but it only lasted a couple more weeks and he decided I wasn't really the girl for him. And though I try to think otherwise, I know that he also wasn't the guy for me.

We were still in touch for a while but time came that I knew I had to let go. So I did. It was hard at first because I really wanted him in my life. But the answer has always been 'no'. There are times though when I go back to that August afternoon when I saw how beautiful his eyes were and how I wish I could get those eyes to stare into mine.

Then now, almost a year later. I'm in my bedroom in my parents' house, watching yet another stretch of sappy feel-good movies when those brown eyes flashed into my mind again.
I went back to that moment and cannot remember what he was wearing or what I was wearing. I can't even remember what we ate for lunch or what we talked about. All I can remember was the sun in his eyes.

Then that rocker from the musical Rent suddenly sang these words:

Your brown eyes... goodbye... goodnight.

That was it. Five months ago was the last time a talked to him face to face. I asked him to meet me over at one of the coffee shops in Katipunan. He did. We talked, had a few laughs then parted. For me, that was enough. It was closed.

I went on with my life. Gaining new (and more interesting) friends, finding new interests, and even falling in love again.

Then a month ago, I was in UP with a friend when we happened to bump into him. An exchange of casual hellos and that was it.

After that, I looked at my friend and said in all honesty, "I think I'm okay now."

The fire's out. It's never ever gonna start.